When sex feels like just another job ...

A note to one who is feeling that sex is just another job to do …

Dear One,

Yesterday, when I visited, you’ll remember that we did the washing up together after dinner. While you swirled the sponge around on the dishes, rinsed them off and stood them on the drainer, I in turn took each plate, ran the tea towel around it to dry and then stacked it in the cupboard.

I envied you a little as you had your hands in the warm water and I love feeling the heat on that part of my body with the movement of bubbly water all around them. I enjoy the process of completing the meal by washing away the remains and making something clean again. I notice the satisfaction of marking the end of the doing of the day, knowing that things are taken care of for the night. It draws a line from the busy to the being.

While we stood there together I noticed your wanting to turn in towards the sink and not talk. I saw how your shoulders seemed a little more rounded than usual. It even looked like it was an effort to hold yourself up there. You looked weary and spent.

My dear one, as I left to go home a little later, I felt such softness in my heart for you as we stood together at the door saying goodbye. As I tucked a stray wisp of hair behind your ear, looked you in the eyes and then kissed your cheek before leaving, I sensed the precious knowing that sits within me and I wished that you knew of it too and more. It wasn’t the time to begin a conversation then but I wonder if you would like to know a little about what I am thinking about when I talk about a precious knowing?

I also have to let you know something and that is that your partner told me that you feel that sex is just another job your have to do in your life and that often you don’t have the energy for it. They said that when you do come together and that is not very often, you don’t seem to enjoy what is happening. I felt very sad at this news. I hope you are not angry at them telling me, they seemed to need to reach out and tell someone. I think they are struggling too.

I felt sad for you and I felt sad for every single person who knows sex only as a running race, going from start to finish in a straight line at a rapid pace. As I write, the words ‘contact sport’ come to mind. My body would also not feel good if I had contact that came at me like a rugby player running to the goal. I too would feel overwhelmed. I too would feel that this was something to endure or that it was another job to do. It certainly would be the case if I was busy all day with the demands of life and feeling there was no space for me to recharge before a busy life started all over again the next day. I don’t know if this is your experience but I wonder. There is no blame or making wrong here.

Here I need to slow down and pause. I’m feeling a little tense just remembering how it was for me in the past, having sex with my the man who was then my husband and not knowing how to say that I needed something else. I didn’t even know that the sex we were having didn’t suit my body. I thought our problems were all my fault. I wonder what it’s like for you, reading this right now ….

How many people have been shown how to really listen to what their body desires, wants and needs? How many people have learned to communicate that? How many people even know that they can?

And yet …..

Have you ever considered that sex and love making could be a place where you find each other and recharge? A place you go for sanctuary from the pace of life and then see what happens? A place where you create a way of being together that is honestly made up of what you both want and need? A place where you are able to explore and discover what that might be? Somewhere where words such as ‘we don’t know and how about if we go from there?’ or‘there are some things I want to try but I‘m afraid you’ll judge me’ and ‘I really need to be slow so I can feel what I need’ become part of the framework?

This might feel really strange at the moment. You may never have considered sex in this way. You might be wondering what the hell I am talking about when I suggest the word framework. But there is another way. A place of great beauty and nourishment. It is a place that will change your whole life. There might not be room in your system to even let the idea sink in. But I wonder how it might be to consider what I’m saying - even just a little bit?

I am here if you want to talk. If you do, get in touch for a chat. Maybe we can sit down after we finish the washing up when I see you next. My love is with you, Grace

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