So many people are living in a sexless marriage with an enormous gap between them. Here is my take on an imaginary couple taking the courageous first step to acknowledge their situation.
As I write this, my heart screams “It doesn’t have to be this way!”. There are as many ways of being close and intimate as there are stars in the sky. There are so many ways to be sexual, to experience sex, to let go of perceived ideas and so called definitions of sex and find something that fits who you are perfectly. It’s no wonder that couples turn away from sex when all they know is the goal orientated sex that heads just for orgasm. And then there are all the other reasons why sex falls away.
It doesn’t have to be like this. There is a whole world waiting for you if you have the courage to take the first step …. maybe it goes something like this:
I can’t believe I’m sitting down to write to you. As I do, I can feel the anguish in my heart, the fear that you will hate me for this, that you will blame me and storm out or that the elephant in the room that I am about to uncage will rage about our home and make a mess that we will never get over.
We have got stuck, you and I and I have to do something. It feels like dying a slow death as we walk around each other. I can barely look you in the eye as every time I do, it’s like I see the words ‘we don’t have sex’ written on your forehead. I lie in bed at night, our backs turned to each other, both facing the wall. It hurts so bad. I wonder what it’s like for you and I’m afraid of the day when I don’t even care any more.
The time has come to do something – do anything to break this stalemate. If I don’t, I can see that we will live our whole lives like this or that one of us will have an affair or just leave.
As I write this, it feels unbearable. I feel sick to my stomach. I’m choking down the tears ‘cos I feel like if I start they will never stop. It’s so hard to say this because I’ve kept the walls up for so long – we never even hug or kiss any more but I love you and I miss you.
I’m dying inside. I can’t see the way out. But I want to. All I can do is let you know how I’m feeling and go from there.
My heart is beating faster and my hands are sweaty. I’m really scared because when I next look you in the eye, we’re both going to know you have this message. Can we talk?"
And maybe the response goes something like this:
The blood drained from my face when I read your message. My stomach churned and it’s still churning. I sat on my side of the bed – the bed where we lay far apart from each other, the bed where we don’t touch any more.
I wanted to run away, I wanted to lock myself in that room and never come out. I wanted time to stop and never move forward again. Anything to avoid this.
I’ve been through so many emotions – I hated you for bringing this up. I felt trapped. How did I get here? I wanted to make it all your fault. I wanted to lie to you. Anything to make it not about me. Anything to avoid how I’m really feeling.
Aargh …. someone told me once that the most difficult feelings are usually underneath all that stuff. I can barely write this …. but …. I’m scared! And I want this to change. I don’t know what to do either. I can’t believe I’m saying this but do you think we need help?"